Episode 257: Stronger Together - Building Emotional Resilience Through Healthy Relationships - Part 4
Episode 257: Stronger Together - Building Emotional Resilience Through Healthy Relationships - Part 4
Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast.
Have you ever been in a tight spot where a strong family relationship or a great friendship provided you a space for staying sane or healing? Let me rattle off a few that come to mind quickly for me:
Once I was talking with my therapist during my marriage to an emotionally abusive man. I was explaining how I had left and gone to my parents for a weekend. I remember her response because she praised me for intuitively going to a mentally safe space when things got hard for me. Going to a space where there were supporting relationships
I’ve noticed a comparison to the times that was single and had to deal with a hard day, a deep frustration with a real estate client, or a betrayal from a friend, vs. being married to a really good man whom I can vent with and go to for a place to talk and and shoulder to lean it. It’s a big difference.
I love that I have healthy relationships with my siblings. We laugh together and often play together, and at the very base of those relationships is the feeling that I have a strong base. I have roots. I’m not alone. Knowing that strengthens me.
As we develop loving relationships with others, our physical, emotional and spiritual health is strengthened. Family and friends provide love, support, daily sounding boards, socialization, people we learn from and teach, people we laugh with. We need each other. The adversary wants to isolate us from others. He wants to deprive us of the blessings that come from healthy relationships.
This episode is Part 4 of a 5-part series on Emotional Resilience. This started from an emotional resilience course I took with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I wanted to share some of my biggest take-aways from the 188 page 10 week course. I hope these episodes - this series, will support you in your own quest for choosing emotional resilience skills. Today’s episode is entitled: Stronger together: building resilience through healthy relationships. Stay tuned and let’s talk about this simple but super important foundation for emotional resilience.
People were not made to rock things solo. We are social creatures. We all understand this because we are drawn to relationship. We want to find love. We seek after community and friendship. Babies who are not held and loved wither away and die. During Covid when we were kept from one another we saw serious mental issues surface across the board. I know for me, when I was single and my kids would leave for the weekend with their dad, I would sometimes be alone for an entire weekend, by the time Sunday got there I could feel the crazy of being alone. It’s also why solitary confinement is considered the ultimate punishment in the penal system. We need each other. Today’s emotional resilience episode is all about the reminder of the importance of building healthy relationships. Perhaps this simple concept is the basis, the most basic of creating healthy living.
Today’s show will go over 8 main points of creating healthy relationships. Things you probably intuitively know, but it’s always good to get a reminder. We’ll throw in a few recommendations and skills as well.
#1
Creating relationships means BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS. This means you must take initiative and invest in the relationship. What does initiative look like? Inviting someone to meet for lunch or to come over for dinner, or to ride bikes or meet for an evening out. Reaching out to talk, go on a walk, share ideas. I
Investing in a person looks like remembering special days for them, checking on them, sharing life experiences, talking, playing. Basically creating space for them in your life and initiating relationship.
There is a book a read 25 years ago probably, that I’ve never forgotten, it’s called Investment of a Lifetime: A personal guide to investing in your life. This book took an entirely different look at things. The premise was looking at time as a commodity. “You can put money aside and save it but you cannot put time aside for future use You either invest time or you spend it. It taught me to look at my time as an investment. This investment attitude actually changed a lot of things for me - because mindset is everything. When I started looking at the time I was spending with friends, or siblings and later with my children as an investment, it made it mean something different than just being places and spending time. Let me share an example from the book:
READ STORY FROM BOOK ON PAGE 11
#2.
Become genuinely interested in people. Learn what other people love and enjoy. Support things that are important to them. We don’t have to have everything in common, but real friendship supports and cares about things that are important to your friend, family member, spouse.
My real friends care about my podcast and show interest because they know it’s important to me. We all are caught up in our own worlds, but when we truly care about and support others we know what is important to them and care about their success.
My husband has decided to become a pilot. He cares about this new endeavor so I listen, support, and help him make time for something that is important to him.
You have a child who participates in a sport or extra curricular activity. You go to the games, or concerts, you watch and cheer.
This goes back to #1 about being willing to invest in your relationships, but it is this type of caring and support that builds relationship. If you have a relationship you want to make stronger, try this.
#3.
Be a good listener: As a journalist I am naturally inquisitive. I always ask a lot of questions when I meet someone because I’m genuinely interested in their answers. I find this makes me a great conversationalist, because people can always talk about themselves. It’s a topic they now and understand, not to mention, most people deeply want to be seen, heard, and appreciated. Part of this skill, that we can all work on a little, is not interrupting.
The first time I really saw this in action was back in my early 20’s. I was over at my boyfriend’s house talking with his parents and I noticed that when someone was talking they would let the person finish completely before they would put in their two cents. It was weird. I noticed they did it with each other, even when they didn’t agree with each other, and whenever I would speak they’d let me completely finish my thought before giving theirs. It was peaceful. It was different. It was noticeable.
Bryant H McGill said, “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”
Kathryn Reynolds has been our resident therapist on this Emotional Resilience Series and one of the skills she recommends is called Empathic Listening. Here is how she explained it.
Insert Katheryn Reynolds interview: 37:34-40:05
Good relationships are based on respect. Besides, when you really listen to what another person is trying to communicate to you, you can discover some very interesting things.
#4.
Make others feel important: Do it sincerely. We all love to feel important. And, everyone is important. When we respect each other, listen to each other, support each other and take time for each other we are communicating that that person is important to us.
One of my primary love languages is Time. When people are willing to invest their time with me playing, working, talking…I feel important to them.
The book, The Five Love Languages, very popular. If you haven’t heard of it, look it up. It basically breaks down the 5 primary different ways that people feel loved. So you can spend time with someone, but if their love language is service, you might be speaking Greek to a Frenchman. The idea is to determine what your beloveds love languages are so you can speak your love in a way that they can hear.
This is a great tool - figuring out the love languages of the people you care about.
But the greater point of point #4 is that when we feel important to someone we can build deeper relationship very naturally. MAKE YOUR PEOPLE FEEL IMPORTANT TO YOU!
We build real relationships one person at a time. Relationships take time. In fact, we don’t have time in our lives for relationships with everyone. There are levels. Think of it like a layered cake, the bottom layer may be all the acquaintences, the next layer the people you consider friends, the next layer the really close friends you want to invest your time with, and the top layer may be your partner, your children, the people who get the most of your time and attention. It’s okay, and I’d say important, to determine which relationships are the ones you want to invest in most heavily and strengthen and build those.
Have you heard the saying, “You are the accumulative of the 5 people you hang around with the most.” Choosing who you build relationship with is important to your life story. Choosing friends wisely - those who emulate the type of life you want to live. Live at a higher vibrational level and spend time with people who live in that space.
#5
Let’s talk about being the type of person who is understanding and non-judgmental.
Being understanding and non-judgmental makes us happier. This isn’t just something we do for others, this is something we do for us also.
Everyone naturally makes judgements about situations and about people they interact with on a regular basis. And, to make things worse, when we feel hurt or angry, or envious we throw judgements around even more liberally.
But if you find yourself doing that in your relationships you will also notice that the judgement is really taxing on the relationship. Choose to allow.
#6
This one is one of the challenges in the 21 Challenges in my book Living Intentional and Fearless Everyday. It is Giving the benefit of the doubt.
Henry B Eyring, in the Ensign in 2018 said, “When you meet someone, treat them a if they were in serous trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.”
Allow for Grace in the lives of others - give grace.
#7
Conflict resolution is an important part of being emotionally intuitive and in being able to maintain relationships because people will always have differences of opinion. Conflict can happen because we have different values, different perceptions, different motivations, different ideas. In the April 2023 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints the entire theme seemed to be focused on being peace makers. Seeking to find solutions to conflict. This must start on an individual basis in individual relationships.
Communicating becomes crucial in relationships. When there is conflict, communication is the way to resolve that conflict. How do you do that successfully? One primary tool that is often suggested and was suggested in this emotional resilience class was using “I” messages. When you use I messages you are identifying your feelings rather than blaming another.
For example: How do you feel if someone says: “You never listen to anyone and your not listening to me.” Now let’s switch and use and I statement: “I feel hurt when I don’t think I am understood or respected when I’m sharing my ideas. Keeping eye contact and letting me finish my ideas helps me feel like you care.”
or
“You are so inconsiderate and thoughtless.” vs “I feel unimportant when you miss dinner without calling.”
So, as you strive to communicate better in your relationships, consider the You statements vs. the I statements. I’d also like to refer you back to Episode 231 - Clearing Conversations. This episode goes into detail on how to approach someone when you need to clear something up in a relationship.
#8.
Let’s just get back to plain old love. Charity.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, in the Ensign in May of 2016 said, “Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ. Without this love, even seemingly perfect families struggle, and with it, even families with great challenges succeed.”
You’ve heard the saying, “Whatever the issue the answer is love.” When you are in a bind, dealing with any type of relationship, take stock and see how you can move out of judgement, out of fear, and into a space of love.
Let’s close this with a rundown of what we’ve discussed for creating and strengthening our personal relationships - a crucial aspect of living a happy and emotionally resilient life:
1. Invest time into your relationships
2. Become genuinely interested in people
3. Become a good listener
4. Make people feel important
5. Be understanding and non-judgemental
6. Give the benefit of the doubt
7. Learn Conflict Resolution
8. Charity - Approach relationships with charity, grace, understanding, and not judgment.
Exercise: Let’s think about someone with whom you can build a stronger relationship. Choose someone in your mind. Ok, now identify 3 things you can do to strengthen that relationship. For example - I am choosing my husband. The three things I wrote down that I wanted to work on where 1. Listen better without interruption 2. Don’t criticize 3. when we have differing opinions I will say, “You may consider…” instead of “You should do X,Y or Z”
Because our relationships can be one of our biggest, most significant resources for emotional resilience and survival, I encourage you to nurture them carefully and with love. Because this is part of the beauty of creating a meaningful life - the relationships we invest in are the highlight of our lives.
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